you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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