not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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