my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
