she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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