i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
