its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize