I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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