Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
