I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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