I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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