I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
