Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
