you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
