You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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