things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
