take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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