Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
