im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
