p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Randomize