I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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