Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize