It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
