good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
