sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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