Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
