I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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