I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Drunk is not a location!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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