Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
