So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
