I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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