Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
