If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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