why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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