like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
