im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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