i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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