rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
