Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
