why didn't you poke me back
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
