got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
