Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
