I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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