so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Four minutes until I can fart!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
