So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
