I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The best revenge is premature balding
i think i scared a bird with my dick
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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