I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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