i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
This house was built for laser tag.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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