if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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