After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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