I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
