I accidentally burped into my bong.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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