DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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