new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
