I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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