so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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