You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize