did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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