Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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