Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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