just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize