I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
